36 miles to go . . .

I'm closing in on 500 miles this year. Gotta run 4 miles each work day to make it the remaining 36. Will be up for a big New Year's celebration if I make it. . .

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Almighty Dollar

I often find myself sitting at my desk, staring in disbelief at the work I am performing, and wondering just how and why I ended up here. Furthermore, I don’t understand why I work so particularly hard at it. Why am I wasting my time working all the time? For that matter, why am I in this city? What particular good is all this crap doing me?

The answer is shockingly simple. I have to come to work day in and day out to make paper. Paper to keep the house payments up to date, paper to keep the lights on, and hopefully enough paper to buy a sufficient number of distractions to keep you, if not happy then numb. If you can’t do that then there are numerous prescription drugs that can numb you to reality, just ask your doctor.

People always say that you should find something you want to do, and that will make it all better. But do you know a single person who truly does what they want to do for a living? What person all full of sunshine and daisies comes home from work and says, “What a great day! I love my job! I can’t wait to go back tomorrow!” Just for clarification, people who hate their family and use their job as an escape don’t count.

Even if you find a job that is interesting in the short run, soon enough you’ll be doing the same thing over and over and over and over, and it’s back to feeling like work again. The same old, same old drab nothingness of a gray dawn. Just 25 more years until you can retire, if you’re lucky.

I guess that’s one reason why some people are religious. They’re so fed up with real life that they create a new, “eternal” life that will somehow be everything that the one they have is not. Others drown in their booze. Some run marathons. A few power through it all with hopeless optimism. Any way you slice it, they all show deep discontent with the way things work, the way things are.

In the end we will all end up just as industrialized generations past. The cycle repeats over and over, crushing the souls of billions each time around. You can’t fight it. Even if you wanted to you wouldn’t know who to hit. And so you’ll sit in your office, or cubicle, and when it cuts you to the core, never fear. Your paycheck will be waiting to salve your pain.

Indecision

Just downloaded the latest Carbon Leaf album. For those who don't know, it's an alternative celtic band, kinda. . Plus they were formed about a mile from my parent's house in Ashland, VA. Previewed the first song and the lyrics went:

And if I face indecision, don't let me face it alone.
Just take me straight to Virginia, back to the faces of home.

Right then I was sold. Then the lyrics got better and better:

Now my spirit and bones take me straight to a fork in the road
Now my spirit and bones take me somewhere I've never known
And if I face indecision don't let me face it alone
Just take me straight to Virginia, back to the faces of home.

The song speaks to me. That's kinda the theme of my life. I don't really feel like I've made any decisions in my life. I'm not saying I haven't had choices, it's just that in all the cases I can recall, the choice was either obvious or made for me. I feel like a cloud, moved around by unseen currents. Like a cloud, I'm trapped by and manipulated by my environment. Most of the time I am (more or less) happily floating along, but I can collide with others and unleash furious storms on occasion. It's just me. I'm here. I don't know why, and I don't really care why.

Long days, fade away
I take it in through my eyes
Sometimes, survival's the milestone
Electrified like a lighted tree
Take these spirit and bones and catapult from the ground
what doesn't throw you or burn you will surely turn you around

I've always been more of an observer than a participant. What can I say? I much prefer watching and listening to people to actually conversing with them. Looking back, time seemed to go so slowly in my wishfully not-so-distant youth, and every year it seems to slip faster and faster into the future. I've definitely been thrown, burnt, and turned around over the past five to ten years, particularly in my work life. I've seen several friends die before their time. I was nearly killed twice at Carderock. I've seen people I thought were decent turn into amoral monsters. I faced total disillusionment, for the first time witnessing first-hand the house of cards the system is.

Long days, fade away
I hope to see them again
Sometimes survival's the milestone
I may get lost but I know where I've been, I know where I've been
I know where I am right now

It's a great tragedy that we don't realize the value of time until all of it's gone. And the lessons you learn in school never matter. What matters is what you learn in the real world. Will you let it break and beat you down? For certain, no one can hold it against you if it should. There's that nagging hope again, such a base human emotion. Rationality will drive you insane if you take your limited experience and apply it to the world at large. There's so much out there. It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black. If you let it the darkness will engulf and destroy you. But if you carry on the dawn always comes.

I take comfort in the faces of home. The people I know rekindle my hope. We're all lost trying to find our way in this world. I know deep down there is no purpose except that which you create for yourself. I'm not sure if anyone else feels this way, but I suspect they do. Best of luck to everyone carving out their own path.

If the hour gets late, rest and await the dawn . . . .

Chameleon

Had an interesting talk with the German foreign assignee today. It's kind of weird to meet such a similar person from another country. We were talking about careers and getting bored.

You see, I've realized lately that I don't really fit in anywhere, and I never really have.

I definitely didn't fit in during high school. I didn't really want to go to college. In talking with Katy and Yaz and Jagibbs the other night, I suddenly realized that during the first three years of undergrad, I didn't have a single person I really considered a friend. There were some acquaintances, but no real friends. My only friend was back home. However, I never really noticed this absence of friends while I was in college. I always figured that when college ended it would be just like high school. You go your separate ways and for the most part never see each other again, except in extremely rare cases.

I did make some friends in grad school, and in my first job. Ever since grad school I've been getting better at this whole chameleon thing. I can fit in to any job in almost any surroundings, and everyone seems to love me. But I never feel settled in my work. I never feel that this is what I want to do. But looking back, there's really not anything I'd rather do, per se. To me, every job seems like a load of crap.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I lay awake in the bed trying to think hard about what I wanted to do. There was no answer. I can stay here in D.C., find a job out in the country, or move out of the country altogether. I could push paper all day, do advanced technical work, or just work with my hands in hard labor all day. I don't think it would matter. I'd still have to go to work, still have to do some other meaningless thing or the other to earn paper.

Florian said I had that look in my eye when I told him I was part Native American. Maybe I give off an aura of dissatisfaction over how this world has turned out.

It's not like it's going to get any better before it gets a whole lot worse. Time to train until I can't help but sleep . . . .

Phase III begins

Phase III:

The current weight goal is 225 by 09/01/2009, and I will re-evaluate once reaching that goal and stabilizing. My current progress is charted below. However, to reach that goal, I must implement a more drastic Phase III effort.

Phase III Exercise Schedule:

My ultimate goal is currently 220, and I will re-evaluate once reaching that goal and stabilizing. However, to reach that goal, I must implement an even more insane Phase III effort. The goal here is to crash the weight by maximizing output and minimizing input. Then, when the goal weight is reached, gradually stabilize intake to match output levels.

Here is the new schedule:

Phase III Eating Rules:

1. No dessert
2. No snacks
3. Alcohol and coffee consumption at a minimum.
   
4. Breakfast: Meal replacement bar.
5. Lunch is not allowed unless lunchtime workout produces severe fatigue. In this case, a minimal lunch meal may be ingested.
6. Dinner must be limited to a minimal portion. Attempt to use the Japanese 30% full rule.
   

My running activity since I started training again in February is plotted above. Another ancillary goal of mine is to run 500 miles this year. This would be the most running since my senior year of college in a calendar year. I am currently at 250 miles and have been running for 5 months. Putting 14 miles up a week should just about get me to the year-end goal. The lapse in activity in the plot is from the ankle injury I sustained in early July. I was able to keep doing elliptical, but had to give up on the running for two weeks. . .

PSA Number 1

TO: MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC

SUBJECT: SUMMARY OF REQUIRED ACTIONS TO ENSURE THIS AMERICAN LIFE IS PRESERVED INDEFINITELY

Over the past two years, our country has experienced a great economic downturn that has left many of you unemployed. You have witnessed misguided attempts to prop up companies that caused the downturn, and a re-distribution of wealth so staggering as to make it almost unbelievable. And yet, it continues on a daily basis. People who orchestrated your current problems are making off with your tax money as bonuses. These bonuses are just a little something extra, like a large tip at a restaurant, for them for doing such a bang-up job (literally) to buy another beach house or several imported luxury automobiles.

As if this is not enough to give, you must also give yourself to the people who have more money than you. You must toil day in and day out to get the scraps from their table. And you must do all this without question. Not only you, but your offspring must be raised to believe that they can do anything, never realizing that their destiny is prescribed by the plutocrats that control the whole of society. High society will choose which meaningless labor they will perform until such time as they can no longer line the pockets of their employer's board members.

To make these goals easily achievable, the following actions are hereby considered mandatory:

1. Never think. You are not being paid to think. Do what you are told and everything will be fine.
2. Watch TV. The propaganda machine is built around television. Therefore, watch as much of it as you can.
3. Eat more food. A stable American economy is built on huge waistlines. Make sure you don’t fall behind in the fat race.
4. Choose your poison. Immediately begin participation in a religion of your choice. If this does not appeal to your personality, you may choose to drink heavily. A properly-distracted or numbed mind is essential to the performance of your duties.
5. Vote. The true genius of our system is that there are two parties that are in the pockets of the same people. In reality, it doesn’t matter who you vote for, they are all the same, lazy, good-for-nothing crooks. But as long as you think you have a choice, you will stay in line. Your vote matters!
6. Buy, Buy, Buy! Another cornerstone of our economy is frivolous spending. There’s a new electronic device you need in order to keep up with the times, or a new dress to stay in fashion, or a new car! You wouldn’t want to keep the same car for more than two years, would you? That is treason. And the less gas mileage the better, the oil magnates need your help to feed their buy-an-island-every-year habit.
7. Buy a house. We need to re-inflate the market to unbelievable levels, so mortgage your future to the bank and pay twice the value of the home. Trust us, it is a good investment. . .
8. Live in fear. We spend a lot of time inventing things for you to fear, so be a good citizen and let it consume your life. Fear of terrorists, flu, gangs, natural disasters, anything! An additional benefit to us is the associated stress to you, since you may have a heart attack and not have to collect social security!
9. Join the service. We will pay you a remarkably low sum to risk your life for us. Anyway, what do we have to lose? Which brings us to . . .
10. Die. We don’t care how, or when. But if you could give us upwards of $100k for final care and expenses, it would be greatly appreciated. Please do this as early as possible, for your country.

Bettica Services, LLC

Dave and I have officially started an LLC, coined Bettica Services after the name of our shipduring the test in Italy. For more information, check out my old post on the Italy trial at the old web site.

I've been thinking a lot lately that negative experiences, particularly extremely negative experiences, end up making us who we are and giving us clearer pictures of our goals in life. For instance, I hadn't really thought deeply about what the hell I was still doing in my old job, wasting my life and effort away as a technical test engineer, until I was diving solo underneath the hull of the Bettica while the dry dock was half full. For those of you who don't know, half full would mean that a good deal of the weight holding the 400 foot ship on it's makeshift wooden stands was displaced while I dove into a cramped space directly under an entire warship and all its inhabitants, who were good enough to keep running heavy machinery while I was underneath the ship. Plus, the wind was bad that day, you could feel the drydock moving, and the waves were pretty rough too.

I have to say the act of tying a safety line before filling the drydock and wondering how much time I would have between hearing a crack in one of the supports and the whole shebang squishing me into human nutella to grab the line and attempt an escape. My one saving thought that if the ship came off its rocker and I survived, I would immediately exit the water, run up to the room where the test equipment was stored, and strangle the test lead with my bare hands. But I digress . . .

The fact is, that this experience, piled upon all the bad experiences in Italy and afterwards, ultimately had a very positive effect on my life. Even though it took a year of a hatred-filled haze and months of frustration, it payed off in the end. I got out of killing myself to do technical work that made other people feel good. I got a 10% raise to go to my new job that I enjoy in an environment that actually cares about it's employees.

It also provides perspective, and calibrates you to find out exactly how much you can take and still be standing.

I never considered myself a leader. But after experiencing such bad leadership, I am compelled to jump into every situation and ensure it is being performed to a level of my satisfaction and to my standards. I used to dread picking up the phone, still stuck in my old "highest-scoring introvert" phase. Now I call meetings that involve highly technical, political, social, and economic issues and feel at home doing it on a daily, if not hourly, basis.

The total incompetence of the people at my old job is another motivational tool. When I was still there, I used to believe that being the best in an environment of incompetence was enough. Now, I realize that in order to derive satisfaction from such a place, there has to be a place to go. What good is it being the best if the worthless people surrounding you are paid an identical amount? But if you find a place that actually rewards performance and does not just pay lip service to it, you can stay motivated.

Weakness is another trait of the people I worked with before. The majority of people were merely leeches on society and perfectly happy to be that way. They had lost all point in their work life. They were just riding the check for their whole lives. I can understand how you reach this point, particularly if you have no self esteem and are too weak to stand up for yourself. But how can you live with yourself, just going to work, not having any redeeming qualities, accomplishing nothing day in and day out? Even if you are working hard and producing results, all of the goals of your work were hollow, confused, and utterly pointless. Do you really want to spend most of your life in a concrete building, wasting away to nothing and accomplishing nothing except the excrement you leave in the bathroom?

I'm so glad I got out of there. But in all, my previous work experience was very rewarding in developing my new work mantra. You need to focus your efforts on your goals, and be sure that the goals you are setting are your own. You have to be strong and never hesitate. And you have to have some goal that is worth achieving in your work.

Unless I find and keep these things in my work, I can finally be happy in what I do. And of course, to satisfy my technical, hands-on needs, we have started the an aborist service under Bettica Services, LLC (see habit hobbies below). Yet another outlet to keep the dream alive.

Finally . . . . .

Habit Hobbies

Made a background for the computer at work, seen above. Started talking to people at work about their trees. It seems that we could get a lot of business if we were insured. I asked Dave to investigate immediately. Apparently, we may be starting an LLC. At least this way we can write off all of our equipment purchases.

One example of a habit hobby, one that pays for itself at least!

Psychosis pays off

The psychotic weight loss plan has worked. I have taken to having coffee before running at work. I have lost another 4 lbs. since starting phase 2, and the Wii says I am no longer obese, just overweight.

And just in time for the cruise. I've decided phase 2 applies on the ship. In addition, 3 miles a day minimum on the treadmill. My goal is to at least maintain, if not lose, weight on the trip. For excursions I'm thinking about adding a couple that are physically active, like rock climbing.

Phase 3 will begin at the end of the summer, maybe even before. I have some even more psycho rules to add to the self-torture routine. Will blog on the ultimate goal later.

As expected

Guy who can't sing and has no range and no personality wins American Idol.

Well at least his title is accurate. That's all Americans want these days. Same old bland bubblegum crap.

Unfortunately my exposure to this horrid series cannot be avoided. Even if I try to go to bed I can hear it through the basement floor. Dammit.

Oh well, I'll end with a great quote from the Colbert Report this week, referring to a new robotic teacher unveiled in Japan:

"Teachers aren't supposed to BE mindless automatons, they're supposed to PRODUCE them!"

Exercising Discipline

After I began working at the NRC, I realized that I needed to lose some weight. The frustration and negative habits I had picked up at Carderock had ballooned me to a peak of 265 lbs. My NRC ID picture looks pretty bad. On the first day at NRC I went down to the on-site gym and signed up.

For the previous two years I had focused on weight training with limited cardio sporadically thrown into my workout. My alcohol consumption was at an all-time high the last year at Carderock, and my eating habits were pretty inconsistent and unhealthy. Though I had reached my goal of benching 300 lbs while working at Carderock, I had gotten out of shape in the cardio department.

Phase I

Not long after I started at NRC, I got into a weight loss pool competition with a couple of my roomies. I had already started my diet, but figured a competition would be a good motivator to add on top. Phase I of my diet involved going to the gym for cardio workouts three times a week, doing elliptical for 30-45 minutes each workout. In addition, I modified my diet to eating a healthy lunch, no breakfast, and a normal dinner. On weekends, I would eat normally.

I added additional stipulations. I could eat a meal replacement bar for lunch except for the occasional bagel deli sandwich in the cafeteria. I worked in two sets of lifting to my exercise regimen. When it came time for Lent, I gave up everything to drink except water and unsweetened ice tea and desserts. In the meantime I upped the elliptical workouts to 5 times a week.

At the beginning of February, I switched the cardio to the treadmill. I began running 10:00 minute miles for two miles, which at a weight of 256 seemed like a long way and it wore me out. I did this three times a week for a couple of weeks, then added another day of running to do 8 miles per week. I was slowly increasing the speed by a tenth of a mile per hour each week. I added a mile run and/or a bike ride to bring the cardio back up to 5 times a week.

In early March, near the weight deadline for the competition, I began running in increments of 3 miles 3 times a week. I went back to 10:00 minute miles. My first goal was a 5k in 30 minutes, which I accomplished pretty quickly. After a few weeks of ramping up the speed slowly, I got the 5k time down to 27:30. The new goal is a 25:00 minute 5k, which I am working toward now. I added 1.5 mile runs, as fast as possible, to the workout to bring it back up to 5 days of cardio per week, and have now made it 2 miles on the off days. On the compressed weeks, I do 4 mile runs to make up the difference, and am now averaging 13 -14 miles per week. In addition to the running, I have added two weight workouts and a cross training day on Wednesday (run 2 miles as fast as possible, perform weight lifting workout, run 1 mile as fast as possible). My weight is hovering around 242, which is approximately 53% of my weight loss goal. My weight vs. time since I started losing is given in the chart below:

Phase II:

My ultimate goal is currently 225, and I will re-evaluate once reaching that goal and stabilizing. However, to reach that goal, I must implement a rather drastic Phase II effort. There are several issues, including my desire to retain most of my upper body strength and a missing thyroid gland, so I will have to push myself farther and farther to keep losing weight.

Here is the plan:

Keep the current running and lifting schedule:

Day	M	T	W	Th	F	S	S
Exercise	3-4 mile run	2 mile run as fast as possible Bench and Back workout	Cross training: 2 mile run Arm-centric Weightlift 1 mile run	2 mile run as fast as possible Squats, Abs, and Dips	3-4 mile run	Climbing or bike riding – 30 minutes minimum	Swimming or bike-riding

In addition to the above exercise regimen, I must add dietary restrictions. This is where self-control is really going to be in effect and enhanced.

Phase II: Eating Rules.

1. No dessert
2. No snacks
3. No alcohol, unless it is replacing a meal (2 drink limit for meal replacement)
4. Lunch is limited to a meal replacement bar.
5. Breakfast is not allowed unless aforementioned replacement bar is consumed and lunch is foregone.
6. Dinner must be limited to a minimal portion. If eating out, eat half and take the rest home.
7. To combat post-workout fatigue, 1 teaspoon of peanut butter may be ingested only to prevent fainting.

I plan to start this phase next week. Once I reach the goal of 225 lbs I can ramp up cardio workouts to compensate for an increased energy level intake and stabilize the weight. After all, running at 242 is very noticeably easier than running at a weight of 265. I can’t wait to see what 225 feels like.

Wish me luck,

J

People

I've noticed a rather disturbing infestation around my home. There are people everywhere. So many of them driving around like maniacs, in a big hurry to go nowhere. And they are always around, looming the halls of my workplace, chatting it up on the phone, yelling at each other in the streets at 1:00a.m.

Why are there so many? And why hasn't some superbug come along and wiped out what seems to be a vast overpopulation of humans? There are too many of us. Even if we rapidly cut our industrial emissions of carbon, just the sheer number of us breathing should continue warming the planet significantly. And there's the end of oil coming at some point, it can't go on forever. What will we do without an intermediate form of energy?

Basically, the game is over. The jig is up. At some point in the next 50-100 years civilization as we know it will crumble. And by civilization, I mean industrialized civilization. There's just not enough resources to go around. And, we've seen, exclusive groups hog all the resources anyway. And we've all seen what happens when resources run out and people get desperate. Are you ready for WWIII? Those of us in first or second world countries are going to have to learn to get by with a lot less.

Or maybe we won't have to sacrifice at all. Our kids may have to, the suckers! They should have been born earlier.

I hope it holds out until I'm gone. . . . but I think it's wishful thinking.

First Rant

Signed up for a refinance of the house today. But when I see the totals on the sheet it just makes me wonder what we're doing paying all this money and being responsible in these times. It also makes me hate bankers more and more. Their reaction to receiving all that cold cash from the government is to nickel and dime everyone on everything. I bet they still get their bonuses this year and can buy a Lexus for the offspring that use them as ATMs this year too. I say Lexus because all the U.S. car companies should be allowed to die within the year, but they won't.

I don't know what it is, but I've had a strange suspicion rolling around in the back of my head for a while now. Something makes me think that the whole economic crisis is contrived. It all seems too convenient, too easy a way for mounds of cash to be funneled into the hands of irresponsible, morally reprehensible, yet extremely well-connected people, from the car companies (way to back a dead horse, by the way) all the way up to the too big to fail banks.

Plus, creating a storm of layoffs and job loss lowers operating costs, allowing companies to find cheaper labor and expect more out of workers for the same pay. You don't want to lose your job, so you'd better put in 14 hour days and like it.

Now pay the man. So how do you like your tax money going to a bunch of morons (or geniuses, perhaps?) that are going to horde the money, pay you less, and give even more bonuses to the top dogs? Kick in your 401k and home value vaporizing and whaddya get? Two things, the first being jack.

And what are you gonna do about it? That's right, nothing. Because the fact remains that we still have it pretty good in this country, and maybe it'll make us understand the rest of the world a little better when we get such a clear view of how the rich and powerful abuse their power to no end.

It's a suckers game. You know, thinking.