PSA Number 1

TO: MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC

SUBJECT: SUMMARY OF REQUIRED ACTIONS TO ENSURE THIS AMERICAN LIFE IS PRESERVED INDEFINITELY

Over the past two years, our country has experienced a great economic downturn that has left many of you unemployed. You have witnessed misguided attempts to prop up companies that caused the downturn, and a re-distribution of wealth so staggering as to make it almost unbelievable. And yet, it continues on a daily basis. People who orchestrated your current problems are making off with your tax money as bonuses. These bonuses are just a little something extra, like a large tip at a restaurant, for them for doing such a bang-up job (literally) to buy another beach house or several imported luxury automobiles.

As if this is not enough to give, you must also give yourself to the people who have more money than you. You must toil day in and day out to get the scraps from their table. And you must do all this without question. Not only you, but your offspring must be raised to believe that they can do anything, never realizing that their destiny is prescribed by the plutocrats that control the whole of society. High society will choose which meaningless labor they will perform until such time as they can no longer line the pockets of their employer's board members.

To make these goals easily achievable, the following actions are hereby considered mandatory:

1. Never think. You are not being paid to think. Do what you are told and everything will be fine.
2. Watch TV. The propaganda machine is built around television. Therefore, watch as much of it as you can.
3. Eat more food. A stable American economy is built on huge waistlines. Make sure you don’t fall behind in the fat race.
4. Choose your poison. Immediately begin participation in a religion of your choice. If this does not appeal to your personality, you may choose to drink heavily. A properly-distracted or numbed mind is essential to the performance of your duties.
5. Vote. The true genius of our system is that there are two parties that are in the pockets of the same people. In reality, it doesn’t matter who you vote for, they are all the same, lazy, good-for-nothing crooks. But as long as you think you have a choice, you will stay in line. Your vote matters!
6. Buy, Buy, Buy! Another cornerstone of our economy is frivolous spending. There’s a new electronic device you need in order to keep up with the times, or a new dress to stay in fashion, or a new car! You wouldn’t want to keep the same car for more than two years, would you? That is treason. And the less gas mileage the better, the oil magnates need your help to feed their buy-an-island-every-year habit.
7. Buy a house. We need to re-inflate the market to unbelievable levels, so mortgage your future to the bank and pay twice the value of the home. Trust us, it is a good investment. . .
8. Live in fear. We spend a lot of time inventing things for you to fear, so be a good citizen and let it consume your life. Fear of terrorists, flu, gangs, natural disasters, anything! An additional benefit to us is the associated stress to you, since you may have a heart attack and not have to collect social security!
9. Join the service. We will pay you a remarkably low sum to risk your life for us. Anyway, what do we have to lose? Which brings us to . . .
10. Die. We don’t care how, or when. But if you could give us upwards of $100k for final care and expenses, it would be greatly appreciated. Please do this as early as possible, for your country.