My parents came up to help watch Elinor, and before we put her to bed we set up the TV antenna so my dad could watch the VT game. For about 20 minutes before heading to bed, I unfortunately saw a bit of the Miami vs. Florida State game (I think). But what struck me was a commercial for a Samsung TV, in which a bearded man and his friends sat catatonic, slack-jawed, staring at a game on the latest 84 inch 4k TV. It was an oddly honest picture of what our corporate overlords wish you to become.
After putting Elinor to bed, I considered writing an honest book about sports from my perspective, sort of a dictionary-style list of everything I hate about sports. Here's a few of the ones I brainstormed:
Sports - an amalgum of activities designed to distract the general populace from actual issues, either by encouraged participation or socially-forced spectation. Participation in some form of sport is recommended as a drain for energy and rage that may otherwise be turned against the ruling class.
Athlete - a person with more muscles than brains.
Professional Athlete - an athlete with a wallet size that far exceeds their brain capacity
Baseball - an extremely dull game where one meathead throws a ball in the vicinity of another meathead, who tries to hit the ball with a stick so other meatheads can try to get it before he runs in a diamond pattern.
Cricket - the international version of baseball, with the added benefit of longer games and incomprehensibility.
Basketball - Inexplicably popular game in which children who never grew up bounce a ball and try to be the meathead team of five that places the ball through a hoop the most times in a given time period
Football - the ultimate meathead sport, in which two teams of meatheads try to beat the little brains remaining out of each other in order to advance an oblong object towards either end of a 300 foot field.
Boxing - a sport in which two meatheads enter a ring and demonstrate in no uncertain terms their disdain for brains.
Mixed-martial arts - similar to boxing, except the meatheads demonstrate an extreme dislike for all bodily organs.
Olympic sports - meatheads from around the globe congregate to compete for a spot on next month's cereal box.
Marathon - a bastardized version of the original, in which overly self-important assholes run a long way and, for the most part, fail to die as originally intended.
Marathoner - a severely damaged human being that has nothing better to do than run for hours on end. For some reason, these people never confront whatever it is from which they are running.
Sprinter - a marathoner with attention deficit disorder.
Tennis - Ping-pong for meatheads, spectated mostly by rich white folks (see golf).
Golf - Meatheads try to hit a ball across a large swath of what should be wilderness, while rich white people spectate and plot how to ruin the rest of the world.
Soccer - Referred to as the world sport because anyone can play it, even destitute kids with both arms blown off from sectarian violence. In the absence of balls, human heads have been used the world over as a subsitutue.
Sports Commentator - A lowlife who makes their career describing the actions of meatheads.
Sports Fan - base human beings that are too fat or weak to be athletes and too dumb to read.
No comments:
Post a Comment