NORAD initially claimed that the fighter jets were there to protect Santa.
Things were going according to plan until the fat man broke the no fly zone around Washington, DC. Santa reportedly refused to divert despite repeated warnings in several languages, and offered little more than a sadistic "Ho Ho Ho" in response to all official transmissions. NORAD was left with no choice but to take out Santa with extreme prejudice. Rudolph took a sidewinder in the face and became the first true "rain" deer. Dasher and Dancer were instantly killed by shrapnel and hot chunks of Rudolph. Prancer and Vixen were blinded by the death shits of Dasher and Dancer, forcing the sleigh into a morbid tailspin, and died immediately on impact as, the remnants of the sleigh careened into the frigid Potomac. Comet and Cupid, unable to chew off their reigns in time, died a slow, panicked death, drowning in a sea of less than buoyant presents. Donner and Blitzen, after losing their teeth gnawing through their leather straps, swam pathetically to the shore, only to be immediately tasered, beaten, tranquilized, tasered again, and whisked away to Gitmo for enhanced interrogation.
Santa is still at large. Divers have so far been unable to locate his body. It is believed that his morbidly obese belly absorbed the initial impact, and provided an added benefit of extreme buoyancy that enabled an easy escape from the crash site. The area has been cordoned off and NORAD has issued a statement that any further hostilities from the North Pole will be met with appropriate force. B-1 bombers have been deployed to circle the North Pole at a standoff distance around the clock to guard against the "Red Menace." US forces have been placed on DEFCON 2 and the nuclear option is still on the table.
There are now disturbing reports surfacing that Santa has repeatedly spent time in the Middle East, where authorities believe he may have become radicalized after eating falafel left in the place of cookies and milk.
Anyone who sees a man fitting Santa's description should immediately notify law enforcement.
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Inspired by:
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2013/12/24/NORAD-raises-eyebrows-by-giving-Santa-fighter-jet-escort/UPI-14091387909160/?spt=rln&or=1
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