The nights go on . . .

Waiting for a light that never comes!

10 years of notes went up in flames in less than an hour. The fire was up to 4 feet. I watch all the work from the last nine years of my life mingle with the stars.

I know that's a normal reaction to this would be sadness. However, I find the very act liberating. In fact I am almost filled with glee.

To know, not feel, that everything you've done is trash. Burnt ash in the aether. Lost and gone forever.

And somehow, being totally at peace and, in every way, elated by that fact.

My friend sent me a Dilbert today. It said they can't hurt you if you're already dead. (Dilbert 12-7-11)

How true.

At some point you have to face the fact that you chose wrong. That the person you were at age 21 couldn't have predicted what you would be or how would you feel at age 34.

"What I did was a drag."

I have done technical work. I managed a small group of technical people. And then I went on to manage a multimillion dollar research and development project. And all that left was a vast, dead . . . hollow.

Over the years I've proven to myself that I can throw myself into any situation and cope. I have measured my vessel, and found it to be sufficient. Let's face it, I've never really cared what anyone else thinks. The only person I have anything to prove to his myself. And, thankfully or not, I have a very low bar.

To quote Shikamaru, the closest fictional character to me: "It doesn't really matter if I become Chuunin or not. One match is good enough."

The only question I continue to struggle with is: does the world deserve my efforts? Can humanity provide me any reason to work for it's betterment?

And the answer I continually receive, almost on a daily basis, is a resounding, reverberating, unflinching "NO!"

Like Shikamaru my only motivation comes from protection of my comrades. But in this world, this motivation is rendered useless. We were all lucky enough to be born at the top of this world.

And so I will plod on, and advise any of my offspring not to make the same mistakes that I made. That's probably the best I can offer.