Wisconsin is for LOSERS

While my travels across this "great" country have not been completely exhaustive, I have travelled to enough locales to gain a sense of the various driving habits around the country.  Drivers in the south can't merge, drivers in the North use a lot of horn, particularly in Massachussetts, where the people put in overtime to earn their "Masshole" nickname.

 

What I did not expect was psychotically aggressive driving behavior I found in Wisconsin.  Apparently, it is Wisconsin state law to leave less than 0.25 seconds between you and the car in front of you at all times.  Also, at any stop, Wisconsin drivers will honk at even a fraction of a second hesitation, even when there is a long column of oncoming traffic blocking you.    If you don't move immediately, they attempt to get around you and drive into oncoming traffic as if, in WISCONSIN, they have somewhere to be RIGHT NOW.  Get real!  Perhaps Wisconsinites just love rushing around to the next part of their dull, pathetic lives.

 

You may ask yourself why these people, who are located at least a hundred miles from the edge of nowhere, are so uptight that a millisecond of their time cannot be wasted?  After a week of observation in their native, dry, unimaginative, swill-beered, wastelandish habitat, I believe I have discovered the answer.  It is the cheese curds.  Fried chunks of what I assume is cheese that has passed it's prime.  There is some biochemical reaction such that when one ingests massive amounts of fried cheese over a period of months or years, clots form in their pea-sized brains which becomes the root of their nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior behind the wheel.

 

And believe me, these people are scarfing down the fried cheese.  Many of them have the physique of Louis Anderson if he somehow managed to kill and eat Roseanne Barr in a single sitting.  Perhaps the fat-soaked diet also feeds their urgent need to drive like total assholes for the following reason:  Their digestive tracts are in a constant state of over-lubrication, therefore they have perpetual trots and move primarily from toilet to toilet. 

 

These are the only plausible reasons that anyone in Wisconsin could be in a hurry.  Unless, of course, the rush is to get to the hospital for a triple bypass, which could be up to 50% of the population at any given moment. 

 

Fortunately for the rest of us, there is no helmet law in Wisconsin.  Out of all the bikers in Wisconsin (and there were plenty), I saw two with helmets.  Thankfully, this means Darwin should be alive and well in America's Dairyland.